How I Was Almost Special

First, read this article. Then read about how I was "almost special." He didn't get away--I threw him back. He wasn't worth of the love I had to give.

I almost let him back into my life. He broke my heart 25 years ago. Came back saying he was clean now, a changed man, ready to make a fresh start. If by clean he meant only doing coke once a day instead of four times, I guess he was. He was estranged from his two oldest sons, had a tenacious relationship with his twenty year old son, and my heart broke for his ten year old. His second ex wife (a woman whom I like, and who had taken him back once herself) wouldn't let him see the boy alone, and I don't blame her. She would only let him visit with his father if one of his older brothers was with him. His first wife (whom I also know and like) wanted as little to do with him as possible. 

He is charming as hell, probably a sociopath, and so adept at playing the hurt little boy. But when I found out he was still doing coke, I told him I couldn't be more than a friend. He ended up with a fellow druggie, a woman 20 years his junior. (He's 56 years old, still acting like an irresponsible teenager.) He doesn't look or act like a bad boy, he has the face of an angel and this "aw shucks" Southern boy manner that could charm the socks off the hardest case (like me.) 

Yeah, my heart broke. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't. This all went down a couple months ago and I've just now been able to start going to sleep without crying or wishing he was there beside me. But I realize now that I don't miss him. I sure didn't need the drama in my life that he would have brought. I miss who he appeared to be. Being with him would have strained my relationship with my own adult son, a young man with a gift for understatement, who said to me, "Mom, let's put it this way. Someone--we both know who I mean--tends to make really, really bad decisions."  So for the sake of my son and my animals, if not for myself, I couldn't let this man be close to me. Even though he wouldn't physically hurt them--he's never been prone to physical violence--the kinds of people he'd be bringing around might. I couldn't risk that.

I've decided that I'm going to spend my life solo--just me and my family and my animals. The few minutes of fake affection aren't worth months and years of pain. I've got my own problems, and the men I tend to attract and be attracted to are just no good. But this guy was the worst of them. He did it to me 25 years ago and he almost did it to me again. I'm glad I got out before fully becoming one of the "special" ones.

Peace,

Tempest

Dear Lying Cheating Womanizing Slut Muffin

A leopard doesn't change its spots and most of the time a slut doesn't learn to keep his/her pants up. Sometimes good people get tricked because we want to believe they've changed. They probably haven't. He's still a slut, and I'm the idiot who gets my heart broken. 

Like my dear old grandma once said "Judas Priest, don't these fool men ever learn?"

She said this when the first guy she'd dated since her husband passed away almost 30 years ago tried to maul her after they'd had dinner.

No, Gram, some of them never learn. I thought my heartbreak must have learned, being as he's nearly 60 years old now. 

(Course you might think the stupid 50 year old woman would know better by now than to trust so easily.)

Never going to get fooled again. I'll spend the rest of my life without. It's easier on the heart.

God Damn the Pusher

This is a movie review of the 2011 film Puncture, with a big side helping of Rant.

Puncture is actually a far better movie than I expected. It was difficult to watch in the beginning. Drug abuse upsets me. I'm not a purist and I don't fancy myself to be a better human being than hardcore users. I used to drink heavily, although I was able to quit on my own when the time came. I've used marijuana recreationally, though not in more than 25 years. I used to use prescription drugs recreationally and combine them with alcohol. As I said, I'm not some sort of unsullied angel.

I've never touched cocaine and certainly never done heroin. I've known people who have, and I've known people whose lives have been damaged by having hardcore users in their lives. Twelve years ago, a friend of mine ended up dead from AIDS. She had been infected by her partner and her daughter's father, an IV drug user. (Thankfully, her daughter is fine. She has been raised by her grandmother.)

Addicts can be very charming and charismatic.

I made the mistake of letting an addict back into my life recently. He may have kicked the substances for now, but he's still a womanizer. Fifty-five years old and still can't manage to act like a real man. Just a damn hound dog in heat is all he'll ever be. I should have seen it coming, but I wanted to believe that he'd really turned things around and we could be together. Dumb, dumb, stupid, dumb.

Don't let anybody tell you that fucking everything that moves is a victimless act. The people that sex addicts lie to get hurt. I don't want to hear about how humans aren't wired for monogamy. Fucking be honest about your intentions from the beginning. There is no excuse for lying to and fucking over another person.

I almost didn't watch this movie because of the involvement of Michael Biehn. I'm not particularly fond of his treatment of women. As a sexual assault survivor, I really did not care for his directorial debut, The Victim, which starred his hand puppet/wife, Jennifer Blanc. I could not finish watching that shit. He seems to have quite the cavalier attitude towards sexual assault, seeing it as a vehicle for tittilation. Not down with that shit, not in any way, shape, or form. No sir, violence and sex do not mix in my book. 

I'm also not down with guys who fuck over a good woman to try and recapture their lost youth with some starlet twenty years their junior. Bitch, your youth is fucking gone. You ain't getting it back. Being a man about it and aging gracefully is a lot more respectable than acting like the stereotype desperate middle aged asshat. Great behavior to be modeling for your sons on how to treat women, Buttmunch. Just sayin'.

Fortunately, I didn't have to see much of Biehn's cadaverous, scary-looking self. He really only appeared in the last half hour of the movie. Admissibly, he's an effective actor--always has been. His own drug use probably stopped him from being better recognized in the entertainment world. I've heard rumors that he has been kicked off movie sets for drug use and manhandling his female co-stars. In spite of this, I actually ended up feeling sorry for him after seeing Puncture. He doesn't look well. Years of pumping your body full of the wrong stuff will do that, I guess.

Tragically, Michael Weiss, the lawyer who was so keen on getting safety needles into hospitals and other health care settings, died from a drug overdose. He was so young and had so much ahead. Drugs suck, they suck, they suck, and they destroy lives. What a fucking waste.

In spite of my hatred for hard drugs, I do not believe that jailing drug users is effective or correct. We should decriminalize drugs and work on finding a cure for addiction, which is a disease.

And that's my take.

Puncture is worth the view. I actually ended up giving it five stars on Netflix.

Petra

The Pusher

You know I've smoked a lot of grass

O' Lord, I've popped a lot of pills

But I never touched nothin'

That my spirit could kill

You know, I've seen a lot of people walkin' 'round

With tombstones in their eyes

But the pusher don't care

Ah, if you live or if you die

 

God damn, The Pusher

God damn, I say The Pusher

I said God damn, God damn The Pusher man

 

You know the dealer, the dealer is a man

With the love grass in his hand

Oh but the pusher is a monster

Good God, he's not a natural man

The dealer for a nickel

Lord, will sell you lots of sweet dreams

Ah, but the pusher ruin your body

Lord, he'll leave your, he'll leave your mind to scream

 

God damn, The Pusher

God damn, God damn the Pusher

I said God damn, God, God damn The Pusher man

 

Well, now if I were the president of this land

You know, I'd declare total war on The Pusher man

I'd cut him if he stands, and I'd shoot him if he'd run

Yes I'd kill him with my Bible and my razor and my gun

 

God damn The Pusher

Gad damn The Pusher

I said God damn, God damn The Pusher man.

 

Death on Two Legs

Some people really just need this song dedicated to them.

You fucked me over, you fucked a lot of people over, but Karma will get you. And when it does, I'll laugh. 

You think you're all that, but you're not.

You could have been special, but you chose to be a sleaze instead.

Your loss, Baby.

I wish I'd never fallen for you. Made the same mistake years ago, but never again. I still hurt, but I'm getting over you. And I won't make the same mistake a third time.

Sayonara, and kiss my ass.

Things I Love and Things I Can't Fucking Stand

I'm working on a story dedicated to one of my writing sisters who is going through a really hard time. I love you, Cie!

The following paragraph isn't about Cie, except that someone who does drugs has brought misery into her life, which she really didn't need.

This photo was found here. It shows the effects of doing hard drugs. This is the same person in all of these photos.

I can't fucking stand what drugs do to people. They take someone who might otherwise be a decent to okay person and turn them into a fucking monster. I don't hate people who take drugs, I hate the drugs themselves. I hate what the drugs turn people into. Also if you want to start looking old and tore up real quick, do drugs. I've seen drugs destroy so many lives. I'm actually not talking about weed here, although too much weed can screw up a person's life too. I'm talking about drugs like cocaine, heroin and meth. An excess of alcohol can do it too. I've seen all of these things tear up people's lives.

For Cie, I want to tell her that it isn't her fault, you can't stop another person from doing things that they are determined to do. I also want to say THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING DIFFERENT! People need to stop trying to make other people into carbon copies. My friend thinks a little differently and she reached out to others for help. Mostly what it got her was a shit ton of criticism and misery.

Most people aren't on your side. It's rare to find someone who is.

We'll get through. You've got at least one friend. Old Wicked Wanda is still here. Don't change you. I wish you could see you the way I do. You'd see a pretty cool person.

 

Ministry: Stigmata

stronger than reason
stronger than lies
the only truth I know
is the look in your eyes
the look in your eyes

just like a car crash
just like a knife
my favourite weapon
is the look in your eyes
you've run out of lies

you've run out of lies
you've run out of lies
you've run out of lies
you've run out of lies
you've run out of lies
you've run out of lies
there's a ton locked in your empty eyes
get out of my life

I'm chewing on glass
and eating my fingers
I'm not the one
who's run out of lies
lies

you've run out of lies
you've run out of lies
you've run out of lies
you've run out of lies
you've run out of time

cutting my face
and walking on splinters
I lost my soul
to the look in your eyes
your eyes

you ran out of lies
you ran out of lies
you ran out of lies
you ran out of time

stigmata!

o, you have empty eyes
they tell me nothing, nothing but lies

Cross posted from RBUMM.

A-Hole Hater

So--Got Any Friends Left, Asshole?

I hadn't thought of this particular jackass in a long time, but a couple of years ago there was a friend who suddenly turned into a total asshole. He was more a friend of a friend, and when the friend in the middle called him out on his behavior, he turned against her. She was a lot more hurt than I was, as they had been friends for a long time. From what I've heard, he's pretty well driven everyone away with his behavior. Sometimes karma is pretty swift. Pathetic little man anyway.

Glad You Aren't Here

There are a few I feel this way about.

Forget the Detractors

Stolen Sunday Steals: The Imaginary Meme, Part 5

I'm stealing the meme, and this beautiful picture, from a blog called. Sunday Stealing. Now, oh excitement unbridled, you can get to know more about me!

 

Sunday Stealing: The Imaginary Meme, Part Five

81. What’s your favorite action movie?

I think of it more as a horror/sci-fi movie, but Aliens has plenty of action and it's one of my favorite movies. Right now I've been one of the Writing Sisters helping the madcap Cie Cheesemeister get back in the game. She's been creating this absolutely over-the-top insane, funny fanfic that only the craziest folks could get into. It's a blend of the characters from her universe, the Aliens characters, and a whole bunch of other funny shit. Must be seen to be believed!

I'm a little reluctant to share the link with the Blogiverse at large, because the Cheesemeister is finally coming out of her shell after hiding away for a long time. (The story is on a hidden blog.) She was hurt very badly and is still vulnerable. Therefore, if you are a cool person who can live and let live and if you don't like it will simply leave it alone, but if you do like it will sing its praises to her, I'll give you the URL. 

If, on the other hand, I really can't get a "vibe" from you or I get a bad one because you seem to be a potential troll, no dice.

I've learned that sometimes I have to be a bitch to keep things rolling smooth. I don't let vermin into my house or my family and friends' houses.

82. Have (or are) you ever been involved someone much older than you?

Fifteen years older. I was 30, he was 45. It didn't end well, but we were able to be friends later.

83. Do you believe in lust at first sight?

Yes, but acting on it tends to be a bad idea.

84. Favorite type of venomous snake?

I really dig all snakes. I just don't think it's a good idea to touch the venomous ones. Kind of like it's a good idea not to act on lust at first sight.

85. Do you drink alcohol?  

Not at all any more, but when I was younger I drank a lifetime supply.

86. If you wanted to talk to someone who'd lift your spirits, who'd you call?

My son, I imagine. If I call my mother, it's to try and lift her spirits. She tends to be very critical, and that ends up leaving me depressed.

87. What do you wear to feel sexy?

I haven't been sexually active for the better part of 15 years. I am not sexy. I don't care about feeling sexy.

88. Do you like to learn?

If it's stuff I really want to learn about. I believe in lifetime learning.

89. Have you ever been hit on by someone who really overestimated their attractiveness?

Yes. And once I was hit on by someone who really overestimated his penis size. He told me he was most manfully endowed, and proceeded to show me even though I said I really didn't want to see it. It was not impressive.

90. Where did you last go on vacation?

Arizona, to visit my brother. This was in 2003.

91. Dallas (as in J.R. & Bobby) returns this week. What film or TV series would you loved to be resurrected?

None of them. The remakes are never as good.

92. Explain your karma beliefs.

Basically, what goes around will eventually come around. Although karma is actually more complex than this. There's karma that can be brought on you by your actions, karma that can be brought on you by your thoughts, and sometimes shit happens because you get caught in someone else's karma. There's personal karma, there's the karma of the human race, and the karma of the planet itself. But in brief, what goes around comes around. So don't fuck with other people. Being a dick is never cool.

93. When do you think that you have a hard life?

Whenever I look in the mirror and see this haggard, tired face. Whenever I look into my heart and feel the pain of loss and disappointment. Whenever I look at my bank account and feel that I will never have enough money to have a decent life.

94. Favorite comic strip?

Hell, I don't know. But I do like reading the Comics Curmudgeon website.

95. Have you ever broken a heart?

Inadvertently. I was just getting out of a bad relationship when a friend of mine decided it was time to make his move. It was not time to make his move. He was a shy, awkward fellow with a hefty build. Of course he thought that I was turning him down because of his size. That had nothing to do with it. I did not want to get involved again that soon, and my last relationship had been really, really bad.

Sadly, this put a strain on the friendship, and we ended up losing touch.

96. Should pot be legalized?

Yes. I do not partake of it myself, but it is no worse than alcohol. Utilize the same laws that are used with alcohol.

Medical marijuana should be treated more stringently than recreational marijuana. It needs to have a certain level of purity to be truly therapeutic. 

97. Have you ever gone skinny dipping with someone that you shouldn't have?

Nope. 

98. What do you do when you're down?

Pretty much the same things as I do when I'm up, except I sleep a lot more. Being bipolar, I actually do have up and down cycles. I rapid cycle, so I experience every cycle for about a week to ten days out of every month. I'm just coming off a high cycle and seem to be going into a low cycle. Hopefully it won't be a very bad one.

99. Last time you were really angry?

Last July. I still hope that the two fucking backstabbing horse's asses that made me so angry burn in hell. I'll provide the starter fluid for the barbecue.

100. What is your favorite flavor in general?

 Chocolate

 

No Toxic Vampires