First, read this article. Then read about how I was "almost special." He didn't get away--I threw him back. He wasn't worth of the love I had to give.
I almost let him back into my life. He broke my heart 25 years ago. Came back saying he was clean now, a changed man, ready to make a fresh start. If by clean he meant only doing coke once a day instead of four times, I guess he was. He was estranged from his two oldest sons, had a tenacious relationship with his twenty year old son, and my heart broke for his ten year old. His second ex wife (a woman whom I like, and who had taken him back once herself) wouldn't let him see the boy alone, and I don't blame her. She would only let him visit with his father if one of his older brothers was with him. His first wife (whom I also know and like) wanted as little to do with him as possible.
He is charming as hell, probably a sociopath, and so adept at playing the hurt little boy. But when I found out he was still doing coke, I told him I couldn't be more than a friend. He ended up with a fellow druggie, a woman 20 years his junior. (He's 56 years old, still acting like an irresponsible teenager.) He doesn't look or act like a bad boy, he has the face of an angel and this "aw shucks" Southern boy manner that could charm the socks off the hardest case (like me.)
Yeah, my heart broke. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't. This all went down a couple months ago and I've just now been able to start going to sleep without crying or wishing he was there beside me. But I realize now that I don't miss him. I sure didn't need the drama in my life that he would have brought. I miss who he appeared to be. Being with him would have strained my relationship with my own adult son, a young man with a gift for understatement, who said to me, "Mom, let's put it this way. Someone--we both know who I mean--tends to make really, really bad decisions." So for the sake of my son and my animals, if not for myself, I couldn't let this man be close to me. Even though he wouldn't physically hurt them--he's never been prone to physical violence--the kinds of people he'd be bringing around might. I couldn't risk that.
I've decided that I'm going to spend my life solo--just me and my family and my animals. The few minutes of fake affection aren't worth months and years of pain. I've got my own problems, and the men I tend to attract and be attracted to are just no good. But this guy was the worst of them. He did it to me 25 years ago and he almost did it to me again. I'm glad I got out before fully becoming one of the "special" ones.
Peace,
Tempest
