Humor Fail: The Hidden Meanings of Toasters

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

This bit started out humorous and quickly turned shallow.

Trite commentary about hoping the new bride consumes too many carbs and gets fat, because there's nothing worse in this world than being a human being who has a bit more adipose tissue, amirite?

Also, the idea of maintaining a friendship with one's ex really shouldn't be all that surprising. Many people, in fact, do. 

I managed to become friends with my ex in spite of a very troubled past. We have three kids together. Better for the kids that we weren't at each other's throats. Yes, he caused me a lot of pain and heartache, but he's tried to be a good father to his children. He's managed to stay clean of his drug addiction for twelve years now. What good would it do me to be a catty bitch to him? 

Not saying that Vanessa Paradis was or wasn't being a catty bitch to Johnny Depp. Her reasons for choosing the gift she did for the happy couple are her own.

DJ Hell's Belle

(H.P. Liebekraft)

From the Stuff Nobody Gives A Crap about Files: Hollywood TV

The Hollywood TV channel is devoted to capturing famous and semi-famous people doing Stuff Nobody Gives a Crap About.

When I was younger, I supposed that Hollywood gossip was harmless enough. In my middle years, I've actually come to see it as quite harmful. It's mean-spirited, invasive, and tends to encourage nasty behavior towards other people in everyday life. 

The above is simply a waste of time. Why should anyone care if this woman can't find her valet ticket, besides her?

~DJ Hell's Belle~

Think I Just Got Over Something

Oh hell yes!

Momma said knock you out...

Even Charlie manages to look good here

If the asteroid hitting brings this, then bitch, bring it on!

If the End Times bring this, then Bitch, bring 'em on!

Scuse me officer, but I've been bad and need to be strip searched forthwith.

They look a little shitfaced, but still cute.

"Sheesus Christ, Hudson, the drinks at that last space port were fuckin' stiff!"

Sir, I am stuck at the top of this mountain. Won't you please rescue my silly ass?

Yeah, I know Johnny Ringo's not exactly a nice guy, but still...

The Art of War and Impressing Illsa

'Scuse me, Sheriff, but my House is in need of some Grinding, pronto

Friends, I am all for aging naturally. I am sick to death of the Hollywood botox and silicone look. It's gross. But some people do not age well. Usually they did too many too many drugs and it takes a toll. And it's really, really, really fucking sad.

Honestly, he looks kinda like my grandpappy in this picture. And he's not even 60 yet. (Rest in peace, Grandpa C)

But then this happened...

To paraphrase Joe3 of Death by Movies: Dude, you didn't age so well, did you? What are you, like 130 years old?

Using your nose as an Aspen ski slope tends to age a person faster than normal. I'm not that much younger than he is, but I haven't aged nearly that badly.

Plus, I heard tell that he was kinda rude to one of our service people who was asking him for a (fucking thirty buck) autograph. I hate when people charge for autographs. Bitch, your fucking John Hancock ain't worth that much. And there is no need to be a douche to one of our National Guardsmen, especially when the dude was expressing admiration of you. So yeah--don't be a fucking tool. Like you're all that or something. 

Also heard that he was a Gropey McGroperson with some female cast members when his drug use was at its worst. Also not cool and hardly a turn on.

I can see now why his first two wives gave him the old boot to the bum and kicked his ass to the curb. Cute only goes so far. And when you ain't got cute any more, even the gold digger's gonna end up getting tired of you and you'll end up growing old alone.

So...yeah.

They say never meet your heroes. May I add, don't find out too much about them either!

Major dissapoint.

I think I'll stick with my fantasies. In this case anyway, it's way better than the real thing.

Plus, when a dude starts looking like your grandpa--or worse--kinda takes the bloom off the rose, so to speak!

Dang.

Guess I'll have to find me something else to look at.

Your Cheatin' Heart

So, here's my rant, as promised.

Kristin Stewart was caught cheating on Rob Pattinson with Rupert Sanders, who is the director of Snow White and the Huntsman. He's married.

Kristin says: "I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused...it jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Sanders says he is "utterly distraught about the pain" he caused his "beautiful wife and heavenly children," and said he is "praying" that they can get through it together."

Tempest says: If they did it before, they'll do it again. Maybe not with each other, but with someone else. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Their respective partners would do well to tell them to take a hike.

Some have said that since Sanders and Stewart were only caught kissing that isn't really cheating. Bullshit. If I'm in an exclusive relationship with a man and he's sticking his tongue down another woman's throat, that's cheating. And eventually it will progress to other things.

What Kristin is saying is that she's sorry she got caught. What Sanders is praying is that his wife divorce him and stick it to him financially.

If these two end up together, they deserve each other. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It would just be a race to see which of them was the first to cheat again.