Cheesy Cinema Review: Hold the Dark

Netflix' Hold the Dark is fascinating conceptually, and the cast does a stellar job of playing their roles. But when the viewer comes away from a film saying "why the hell did any of that happen?" it isn't a good thing.

I haven't read the book that this film was based on. Maybe if I had read the book, I'd understand the film better. However, a well-executed film would not require the viewer to have read the book to understand what is going on.

I feel that the film tries too hard to avoid being Another Werewolf Movie and doesn't do enough to ensure that the viewer understands the reason why All The Spooky Weirdness is transpiring in the first place.

I wanted to like this movie. I wanted it to live up to the hype and the stellar cast. It did not do so.

I wish that Netflix hadn't changed their viewer rating system from stars to a thumbs up/thumbs down. I would have given this movie three stars with Netflix' previous system. As it stands, I didn't rate it. The performances were too good for it to merit a thumbs down, but I came away too befuddled for it to merit a thumbs up.

One should not have to rely on search engines to find an explanation for why events transpired in a movie. Arguably, I did have to do this for some events in Prometheus and Alien: Covenant, which I found frustrating, but I understood the majority of the plot in these movies and would give both of them a solid thumbs up despite the various points of confusion. Since my reaction to Hold the Dark was "well, that happened, but why?" I cannot say the same for it.
Hold the Dark left me hungry for more, and not in a good way. It was the kind of hunger one has after eating a not vomit-inducing but unsatisfying deli sandwich from a service station because there isn't anything better available.

Cheesy Rating: 2.5 out of 5 wedges

 

~The Cheese Hath Grated It Cinematically~

The Cheese Grates It: Please Stop

This is a kinder, gentler version of my previous post.

Classic Rock Fandom: OH MY GOD HE'S SO FUCKING HOT

Other people: he's 70 years old no

Classic Rock Fandom: YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HE'S A FUCKING GOD

Other people: dude stop

Classic Rock Fandom: I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO GO BACK AND BE A GROUPIE FOR HIM BECAUSE FUCK

Other people: dude no thats not good

Classic Rock Fandom: I DON'T CAAAAAAAAAAARE

*********************************

I've seen this item floating around for a while now.

I’m going to gently explain the problems with this post, and I hope that people will actually bother to read what I say rather than simply attacking.

First of all, never purport to speak for an entire group, in this case, the "classic rock fandom." There are a lot of people in said "classic rock fandom" who do not identify with what is being said here.

For instance, I have been a fan of what has come to be termed "classic rock" since quite literally back in the late 1960's, and I would never speak of the musicians who created the wonderful songs that I love in such an objectifying manner.

If YOU, the O.P. have the expressed view, so be it. Attribute said viewpoint to yourself, not an entire group.

You can find someone outside your age range interesting. You can even find them attractive. In the days of my youth, I found Leonard Nimoy very attractive. He was old enough to be my father.  I would never have dreamed of objectifying him. I respected him far too much to ever see him as a piece of meat.

As for being a groupie...I’m not quite sure the O.P. understand just what that means. Being a groupie is not exactly a healthy goal. Being in someone’s life for no other purpose than to service them sexually starts to leave a person feeling pretty damn hollow. You aren’t special, you’re one of many. How is that something to aspire to?

Before we get started accusing me of “slut shaming” (a term which I hate because I don’t believe anyone should be called a slut), I will state that I am not saying that groupies are bad people. I simply think that a girl or woman can do better for herself. Aspire to become a musician yourself. Aspire to become a band manager, a sound engineer, a promoter, a roadie, a radio DJ. You’ll meet musicians aplenty, and you’ll also have a career you can be proud of.

I’m over 50, so if I were to get involved with a member of one of the “classic rock bands,” nobody would bat an eye. Some of them (i.e. Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Vince Neil) are in my general age range. Some of them (i.e. Mick Jagger, Keith Richards) are old enough to be my father.

Although my involvement with these men would not cause any sort of stir, that is beside the point. I have enough respect for them that I would never look at them as mere objects. They are human, and they are vulnerable.

I am well aware of the kind of deterioration that can happen to a person as they age. I acquired my perspective from having worked with the aging population, from watching my own relatives age and die, and from the things that are happening to my own body.

Thus, I do not find this sort of objectification expressed by the O.P. either flattering or harmless. This mindset doesn't view its targets as human. This mindset reduces people to things to be ogled. 

I feel like a piece of me is torn away every time one of the musicians that I’ve “known” all my life becomes ill and dies. 

A few examples.

B.B. King, who was a blues musician, but any rock fan worth their salt knows that the blues is the backbone of rock–the amazing B.B. King died from complications of Alzheimer’s.

Ronnie James Dio, who I thought would pretty much outlive everyone, died of stomach cancer.

My dear David Bowie–and no, I’m not objectifying him, I always thought of him as a friend I very much wanted to meet–died from cancer.

Lemmy Kilmister–wonderful, tough as nails, amazing Lemmy with his powerful voice is gone from this world. I have a tattoo honoring Lemmy on my left calf. No, it isn’t because I wanted to “be a groupie” for him. It’s because his music meant something to me, and because the more I learned about him, the more I liked him as a person.

Malcolm Young isn’t physically dead, but he’s gone from this world. What I’m going to say comes not from a place of hate but from a place of love. I wish he’d died before the god damn fucking dementia had a chance to destroy him. He is not going to recover, there is no reversing that shit. His brother, the person who he was closest to in this world, has said that Malcolm “isn’t in there at all anymore,” and I know exactly what the hell he’s talking about, and it fucking sucks, and there isn’t a god damn thing anyone can do to change it.

The original post doesn't indicate that the poster cares one iota about the music or the people who wrote it. It appears that she’s mooning over pictures of cute boys who are no longer “cute boys”. They haven’t been “cute boys” for a long time. 

“Classic Rock “ musicians are real people.

Real, and often fragile.

More and more of them are getting sick and dying. 

That fucking sucks.

Dear O.P., in the future, please speak for yourself. You do not speak for the entirety of the “classic rock fandom.” 

You speak for a minority faction of teenage girls who have, in reality, not done much living; who may not realize that posts such as this are tremendously disrespectful.

I have been part of the “classic rock fandom” for longer than the O.P. has been alive.

The O.P. does not speak for me.

The Cheese Hath Grated It

The Cheese Grates It: No "Guilty" Pleasures

Being a crabby old bat means never having to use the words "guilty pleasure."

People talk about musicians, songs or TV shows being a "guilty pleasure."

Beeyatch, I don't feel guilty about any of my pleasures. I like what I like.

At my age, I don't give a rip what anyone thinks of what I like. My musical tastes range anywhere from ambient to disco to hard rock to zydeco. I'm not ashamed of any of it.

Hell, I'll even admit that I find Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend" pretty catchy, although I have to say, the video is pretty damn laughable. Don't know if the spirits of Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Lemmy Kilmister and Bon Scott might ambush me and give me a wedgie for that little admission, though.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

The Cheese Grates It: My Problem With The "Pieces of Classic Rock Musician Ass" Trend

The other day I found a narrative on Tumblr which went a little bit something like this:

Me: "OMG 70 year old musicians are so hawt!"

My Parents: "Pervert!"

Me: "I would so bang Mick Jagger!"

My Friends: "Pervert!"

Me: "Old musicians are the sexiest!"

Society: "Pervert!"

Tumblr: "OMG, UR SO RIGHT!!!! LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT!!!!"

My problem with this is not what you might think.

Little girl, I don't think you're a pervert. My problem isn't with you being such a (tee hee) naughty little girl lusting after "old men," because the truth is, if any of the well seasoned chaps you claim to have such lust for hit on you in real life, you'd run the mile. We both know it.

My problem with this trend can be filed in the "I don't like objectification" files.

Granted, these men are never going to be harmed by objectification from a handful of teenage girls who will grow out of it the way women are harmed by objectification every day and in multiple ways. However, objectification is always dehumanizing. So, let's talk about that.

As a heterosexual female (cis woman), unless I'm going to Lilith Faire, chances are the band I'm seeing is going to be mostly or all male, and chances are I'm going to find one or more of these men attractive. It is what it is. 

However, if I'm spending the entire time shrieking about how much lust I have for Willie Nelson or Johnny Van Zant or Bruce Dickinson or Chris Isaak or Vince Neil or you name him, I am not appreciating the music, I just look like a fucking idiot. 

It's one thing to acknowledge that, say, Tommy Lee, is an attractive man. It's quite another to dedicate your entire website to your (let's say) Motley Crue masturbational fantasies, even if those fantasies are as brief as the example below.

 "OMG You Guys! I would totally do Nikki and Vince at the same time!"

Motley Crue (as an example) gave us close to 40 years of great music. The music, not their perceived hotness, should be the focus. If it isn't, you're doing it wrong.
When I was in high school, I had a friend who was deeply fascinated with Jim Morrison. All you had to do was say "Jim Morrison," and you could get Kris talking for hours. Kris really did not have an off switch where Jim Morrison was concerned. However, I never found her fascination bothersome or gauche. I knew she found Jim attractive, but this really was never the focus of the conversation. It would be "Cie, listen to what Jim was saying in this poem," or "I love the lyrics here because..."
Kris had deep reverence for Jim Morrison, and, more importantly, for Jim Morrison's works. Jim Morrison was not a piece of ass to her. Such a suggestion would have enraged her. Were blogs a thing back in our day, I'm sure she would have had one devoted to Jim, and I would have enjoyed visiting it.
Unlike, say, finding something like this:

 "You Guys, Ray Manzarek is totally the hottest piece of ass ever! I would so do him!"

Now we're approaching a whole 'nother level of Things Just Not To Do, considering that Ray Manzarek is no longer part of this mortal coil, having passed away after a battle with cancer. Honest, Ray, it isn't me saying those things. Much respect, I promise!

Let's step away from the Classic Rock genre for a minute. In fact, let's step away from music entirely. We're going to use a whole 'nother example.

As someone who enjoys writing horror and science fiction, I have a certain set of heroes. Let's just say that instead of appreciating the talent they brought to this world, I were to devote a website to saying things like this:

"You Guys, Dylan Thomas was a total babe! Just look at those eyes! He's hot!"

"Civil War Era Ambrose Bierce was smokin'! Damn but I'd get with that!"

"H.P. Lovecraft totes had Specs Appeal! What a hottie!"

"I would so like to push that typewriter off the desk and push Rod Serling down on it and have my way with him! Yeah Baby!"

"Stephen King is just so doable! Am I right, you guys???"

You see what I did there? I erased all of the accomplishments of these great writers and reduced them to eye candy. I don't think that's cool, and I hope you don't either. 

Did you think that was ridiculous? I really hope you did, because it was. However, I also hope maybe it helped me get my point across.

Let's return now to our classic rock musicians.

I'm closer in age to said classic rock musicians than the majority of those blogging about their lustworthiness are. So, perhaps I can shed some perspective about some of the things that start happening to those of us who have passed the "50" mile marker.

We're (hopefully) a little wiser. We've seen some shit, and we may be a lot sadder because we've lost some key people and we'll lose more. Things are starting to go awry with our bodies. The spirit may be willing, but the flesh more likely than not just wants to take a nap.

Ageism is wrong. Saying that a person "shouldn't" get up on stage and play music because they don't look "hot" in skin tight Spandex trousers any more is bullshit. If they can play and they want to play, fucking play on! I don't give a shit if your wrinkled skin sags down to your shoes and you're wearing a fucking burlap tent! Music is not about what a person looks like, and there is no age limit on performing. If you can do it and you want to do it, play the fuck on, and fly the middle finger to the ageist asshats.

That being said, I find it disrespectful to reduce ANYBODY to a piece of ass. Yes, I find something distasteful about young girls reducing men old enough to be their grandfathers to pieces of ass. Generally, their decision is made based on photos that are thirty, forty, even fifty years old. 

Perhaps I should write the whole thing off as a harmless expression of teenage hormones, but I return to the point: I do not find objectification harmless. 

I find it particularly distasteful when the subject of these lusts is someone who is not doing well. Honestly, have some fucking respect. 

This is not a "hot piece of ass." This is a man who was a great musical innovator, who is dying slowly of a horrible disease that is adding insult to injury by robbing him of his mind as well as his physical abilities.

This is not a "hot piece of ass." This is a brilliant and talented showman who recently passed away after a brave battle with cancer.

Even the Lizard King is not a mere "hot piece of ass." He was one of the greatest rock poets who ever lived. He was a troubled soul who died prematurely. If you are missing the nuances of Jim Morrison's personality in favor of gushing over how "hot" he was, you are missing the point and doing him a great disservice.

I can't pin all the blame on young people. People in general in modern society seem to know nothing of nuances. Everyone thinks with their root chakras, and the result is banal.

It isn't that it's wrong to find someone attractive. The problem is going with the root chakra response every time, giving no thought to the matter. An occasional "Wow, Mick Jagger sure looked sexy in this picture" is not problematic. The problem is when every picture posted proclaims the sexiness of the subject and never goes deeper or bothers to appreciate the craft these people spent a lifetime honing.

If I went with my root chakra response every time, I'd have a blog full of crappy posts about how I want to fuck the entire Colorado Avalanche hockey team, plus most of the musicians in the classic rock genre, a bunch of actors, and my favorite authors. It would be crude, lacking in subtlety, and a crap read. In truth, it tends to be better to keep the root chakra response to oneself, or at least on the down-low, just between you and your closest buds. Going public with that shit is embarrassing.

I liken this sort of blogging to a group of musicians going onstage without bothering to tune their instruments and just banging out whatever comes to mind without bothering to listen to each other. It isn't something to be proud of.

I wouldn't really have anything to say about it if the people making these blogs didn't claim to be fans of the musicians whose forty year old pictures they're drooling over. If all you're doing is sharing what you consider to be "hot" pictures and you're honest about that, there's not much to be said. However, if you claim to be a fan and you know nothing about the music, but Keith Richards sure looked sexy in 1972, you aren't a fan, you're lusting over an image. At least have the wherewithal to know the difference.

I think some parting words from the late Lemmy Kilmister are appropriate here.

When asked if it was possible to work with someone you found attractive without objectifying them, Lemmy said "well, why can't you?" 

Just a little food for thought.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~