BRITTNEY AND EMRALD'S REVIEW
Guest starring Mr. Howard Phillips Lovecraft
BRITTNEY: The special effects were cheesy as hell, and not in a good way.
EMRALD: Still, it was infinitely more watchable than the last film we reviewed. The acting was better and the cinematography was superior.
BRITTNEY: It was slightly more true to the story--but to the wrong story. This was "The Shadow Over Innsmouth," not "Dagon." Although of course Lovecraft's "Shadow Over Innsmouth..."
HPL: Deep ones don't have octopus tentacles for legs!
EMRALD: Lovecraft's "Shadow Over Innsmouth" did not include creatures with octopus tentacles for legs.
HPL: To quote that fellow Robert Olmstead, whom I interviewed for my investigative report, entitled, of course, "The Shadow over Innsmouth..." Well, let me just read you the passage wherein he describes the bus driver, a Deep One hybrid.
(clears throat)
"His age was perhaps thirty-five, but the odd, deep creases in the sides of his neck made him seem older when one did not study his dull, expressionless face. He had a narrow head, bulging, watery-blue eyes that seemed never to wink, a flat nose, a receding forehead and chin, and singularly undeveloped ears. His long thick lip and coarse-pored, greyish cheeks seemed almost beardless except for some sparse yellow hairs that straggled and curled in irregular patches; and in places the surface seemed queerly irregular, as if peeling from some cutaneous disease. His hands were large and heavily veined, and had a very unusual greyish-blue tinge. The fingers were strikingly short in proportion to the rest of the structure, and seemed to have a tendency to curl closely into the huge palm. As he walked toward the bus I observed his peculiarly shambling gait and saw that his feet were inordinately immense."
HPL: You see, dear ladies, he had feet. Feet! Not octopus tentacles! And listen to this, my friends. This is from my investigative report, entitled Dagon. The poor fellow who gave me this information asked not to be named, and I respected this wishes. Just listen a moment.
(clears throat)
"Of their faces and forms I dare not speak in detail, for the mere remembrance makes me grow faint. Grotesque beyond the imagination of a Poe or a Bulwer, they were damnably human in general outline despite webbed hands and feet, shockingly wide and flabby lips, glassy, bulging eyes, and other features less pleasant to recall. Curiously enough, they seemed to have been chiselled badly out of proportion with their scenic background; for one of the creatures was shown in the act of killing a whale represented as but little larger than himself."
HPL: Does this report make any mention of octopus tentacles?
Emrald: Well, no, Mr. Lovecraft. No octopus tentacles.
HPL: Feet, my dear ladies. Webbed feet. Feet are mentioned. Feet.
Emrald: Absolutely, Mr. Lovecraft. Feet.
HPL: Do you know what else was not mentioned in my investigative report, dear ladies?
Brittney: Let me guess. Sex-crazed octopus creature hybrids with staring eyes.
HPL: Yes. And Dagon is not an octopus monster in a well which tears women's arms off in its lust to impregnate them with its spawn.
Emrald: Would you like a cup of tea, Mr. Lovecraft?
HPL: I would, my dear. But could you add a little something--extra to it? If you take my meaning.
(Cuzzin Hildy-Bob enters room)
Cuzzin Hildy-Bob: Howdy, gals! Howdy, Mr. Lovecraft! Would y'all like a nice cup of my special Xmahannukwanzyule Shine Spiced Cider?
HPL: That would be the very thing, dear Cuzzin Hildy-Bob. Thank you so much! Have you seen this film? It's a travesty, my friend, an absolute travesty!
Cuzzin Hildy-Bob: (calls into hallway) Hey, Virgie, better make Mr. Lovecraft's a double!
Coming up next:
Brittney, Emrald, and Mr. Lovecraft review the film version of "Herbert West, Re-Animator."
Brittney, Emrald, and H.P. Lovecraft
For FOGNL/UNDEAD Entertainment
